gnash

words fail. miserably. to try is proverbially copping out. each breath ignites a small flame snuffed out before it gives light. waves. waves of shouting demons, crumbling and cowering, distasteful memories waking two seconds later. the hours tick away. tick away.

for our struggle is not against flesh and blood, not against those we can touch, feel, smell. not against agendas, loyalty, badges. we're at war. not with machines, systems, institutions. we are at war against our oppressed minds. we are fighting the unseen, invisible, those things that capture our imagination, our passion, our attention. we are at war against distractions that undermine and leverage our value system, our morals, our need for lines, clear distinct channels.

God, have mercy on us all. We need you for more than our daily bread.

Light & Dark

Like the irony of trust, there are two sides to the same page. One born of water, the other refined by fire. Love & fear, a cartoonist publisher said.

I find safety in dark attics, just a lamp guiding my fingers running amok on the keyboard. Safe, for no one can see the face drenched with tears and embarrassing rashes forming across the cheeks. No one can see the wet pillow, yellow with stains of anxiety. Under the sheets, where hands and feet are tied, secure and hidden. I turn out the lights so no one can see my footprints and the bruises and burn marks from the rope too tight. I hide my scar against the camouflage of the shroud, a silent shadow cowering over and my embrace and affection running deep.

I still cannot stop. The night is still and empty and I don't want to lose it to the wearing out of time. I struggle to find my feet and head a place to rest, to really rest, safe from the empty lies of this world. I try to swim ashore from this sea of a widow's pain. The tide is still too strong and my body is still too weak.

When there is nothing to be afraid of, you can move and find your way instinctively in the dark. What is happening to me?

Questions

Why is everyone scared of me? Why do they tip toe around me like I laid the eggshells before me? Why can't they fucking say what they are thinking? I can read the signposts and reactions easily.

Why is it that there is always the distance between? That there is a divide. That I come too close, encroach too near for your comfort. Am I such a freak that you find me a repulsive disease?

Why do I want to be this careless all the time? Why do I have to be giving out free affections and get now deep rejections? Why do I always end up looking like the clumsy fool try hard wannabe?

Why did my Dad whip me and tie me to a tree? Why did he strip me naked and humiliate me in front of the women in my family? Why did he hurl boiling soup at me just because we lost a stupid single penny carelessly? Why did he have to name me his good-for-nothing son? Why did he kick me up the stairs like an unwanted dog and still drag me to work the fields with the rest of his slaves? Why did he abuse me further after knowing I had been the target of school bullies? Why did my Dad not protect me? Why has he never defended me? Why does he always leave me feeling threatened and in danger of losing my life?

And now I am still the freak of the week and I am supposed to forgive.

Why is there so much ridiculous meaninglessness when a home is supposed to be a place of love?

Offline

It's a sticky one. This web of relations, loved ones and this commune. I don't know, I don't know, I don't fucking know. I wish I fucking knew. So that packages could be delivered and answered questions could be ticked off and everyone can scratch the curious itch.

But I don't and for the love of God, I wish I did.

And for the hope of light at the end of the tunnel, many have risen up in anger. Wrath comes knocking at my door, wanting to drive out the poison they see, pick out the plank in my eye, send me some potion that might possibly make it better or make it worse.

I sound calm for stoicism works best to keep us all under the alarm.

I can't live in captivity anymore. It's already eating me alive and voices come relentless like the speed of sound. I need to silence every audible opinion, every note that wants to sway and shuffle me side to side. I still don't know what it is, just stop asking and let me come out in my own time.

Sound of Silence

It's empty. A house. A room. Another room. I've been here before. Too many times. Now tears dried inside and out. No more pearls to leave it out. The anguish still rusting away. The salt still eating away at the wound left festering. I want to be better than this. I want to be stronger than this. Not just some stoic quick fix.

The pendulum swings from left to right, side to side, counting the hours and minutes and seconds ticking away. Like an old man in a wheelchair, gazing across the empty green, longing, yearning. Wanting. Waiting.

Images of a laughing living room. TV ablaze, water boiling. Random questions and guesses at play. Life at large, an imaginary fireplace. I could go find another you. Another set of teeth to sink into. Another similar ground to tread on. But it's not the same.

The scent of you has left the floor, the building. I can't remember how it goes. All the rhythm and drama, the annoying fan in the other room. I wish I was never here. Never crossed your mind. Never fell into your line of sight. I wish I could disappear and you would forget me. That it would be so much more convenient. All this resurfacing. Things you can do without. I would remove every postcard I sent you. Take down every moment that remind you. Burn away all my hopes and dreams. Fade into the night so I can get out off the back of your mind forever. I never intended to be your distraction. That little annoying kid brother. I never wanted to take up space. I never would have let my heart be moved to lay it down for you. Why am I still so naive to love with all my heart and soul?

Take this breath from me and let me sleep and never wake. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

catch

everything here reeks of pain. dried blood, fresh blood, bad blood. i rammed my head too hard against this wall, now its broken and bruised. all swollen over my eye, blinding. have mercy on me, my God.

they say love language is the one thing that is your downfall. wish they would all shut up and make this a simple life. why is it so hard and complicated? i just want to make peace. i am sick and tired of these gall stones wearing me out. the sun has gone down and my evening light is fading out.

hide me in your love. bring me to my knees. heal me of this eager apathy. heal me and shelter me from it all. as i lay my heart out in the open sun and let the crows peer through. as i lay it all down, may pain be underneath my threshold. may death come quick and deadly. may life continue for the ones i love with all that i have left.

there is not enough room in this world to contain this love. catch me when i fall.

slam

This is not a fucking storehouse you fucking piss of shit!

I cried out in my sleep as the door slammed shut 20 minutes later. I could not help but pound the walls hard with my fist and head till something inside started to break and bleed. I don't know why I am so primal again. I don't want the sun to go down on my anger. But I am seething.

Why did I call on you as my flesh and blood and grafted myself now too deep I am buried under sheets of your snow glacier and ungrace? Rejection is a tough bitch. That words mean so much more to me is the poison that now I seem to find wordlessness. Empty, shut out because it seems you will fumble with your brashness. Silent and restrained because you might just hit my spots with your tough stains. That it is turning up the heat because no elements are added, replenished. That this heat is quite latent, symptoms of winter and a stubborn snow storm that refuses to go away. That when the sun comes out, some kind of implosion is waiting to happen.

And I'm sitting like a time bomb waiting to happen. I would rather die than to wait. I would rather disappear from the face of the earth, so your life becomes a little more convenient. So you can do as you please. So you can take your wares anywhere you want. So that your secrets go unnoticed and buried with me in the grave. Is this how love lays it all down for a life to go so a life can learn to be wise and grow in stature?

Let me go down for I cannot seem to let go. Come home, my brother, everyone here misses you.