catch

everything here reeks of pain. dried blood, fresh blood, bad blood. i rammed my head too hard against this wall, now its broken and bruised. all swollen over my eye, blinding. have mercy on me, my God.

they say love language is the one thing that is your downfall. wish they would all shut up and make this a simple life. why is it so hard and complicated? i just want to make peace. i am sick and tired of these gall stones wearing me out. the sun has gone down and my evening light is fading out.

hide me in your love. bring me to my knees. heal me of this eager apathy. heal me and shelter me from it all. as i lay my heart out in the open sun and let the crows peer through. as i lay it all down, may pain be underneath my threshold. may death come quick and deadly. may life continue for the ones i love with all that i have left.

there is not enough room in this world to contain this love. catch me when i fall.

slam

This is not a fucking storehouse you fucking piss of shit!

I cried out in my sleep as the door slammed shut 20 minutes later. I could not help but pound the walls hard with my fist and head till something inside started to break and bleed. I don't know why I am so primal again. I don't want the sun to go down on my anger. But I am seething.

Why did I call on you as my flesh and blood and grafted myself now too deep I am buried under sheets of your snow glacier and ungrace? Rejection is a tough bitch. That words mean so much more to me is the poison that now I seem to find wordlessness. Empty, shut out because it seems you will fumble with your brashness. Silent and restrained because you might just hit my spots with your tough stains. That it is turning up the heat because no elements are added, replenished. That this heat is quite latent, symptoms of winter and a stubborn snow storm that refuses to go away. That when the sun comes out, some kind of implosion is waiting to happen.

And I'm sitting like a time bomb waiting to happen. I would rather die than to wait. I would rather disappear from the face of the earth, so your life becomes a little more convenient. So you can do as you please. So you can take your wares anywhere you want. So that your secrets go unnoticed and buried with me in the grave. Is this how love lays it all down for a life to go so a life can learn to be wise and grow in stature?

Let me go down for I cannot seem to let go. Come home, my brother, everyone here misses you.

scratch

stitch and match, it sounds like a severe lack. my heart is wearing out, thinning, losing strength to continue this long ascent. the steps are steep and sharp. is this a slow death, that someday this heart will stop bleeding? the winter cold is slowly drawing back it's breath and the terrains are melting away flake by flake. as the pain resurfaces from these months of nocturn and the red well up like dangerous signs on the roadmap. how much can man be a machine until he drops a sudden death?

i watched as the floor general, my brother, shed blood. how choices became the fall subjected to fathers and leaders' chide. still waiting, still waiting for the penny to drop. still waiting for him to turn around. some things take a long time to change and i look on with abated patience, waiting out the rain, waiting out the storm, waiting for the prodigal to come home like a greying father on the wooden mouldy steps.

every tree in sight is lined with a yellow ribbon. round every oak tree, hope hangs waiting for redemption.

need you more than ever, God, if you are who you say you are.

war cry

what if I stumble?
what if I fall?
what if the cracks show
from the pressure inside?

will you hear my cry
will you save me day by day
will you inspire me every moment
will you strengthen me every waking hour?

for it seems my dark is eating away
at the seams of my knitted being
that any moment i may fall from grace
if this foot but slips on this tight rope regime

lord let your grace be ever enough
let your presence ever abide
let my heart ever be attentive
ever trusting in your time and favour

courage now come like a lion's hide
war, it brews in the far horizon ahead
fighting for my heart space, robbing of grace
gird me now, father, come what may

Expectant

Is it just an expectation? Something I have unwittingly given myself over and chained myself, stuck like a kite on a rain tree? What does this all mean? Why am I still searing in pain? The longing for male companionship and the strength and scent that only a brother could give. The absence makes my heart grow faint. The shoulder removed too quick, too soon, too fast and too brutal. This absence should make me fonder, as it should be, but it is not.

Truth is, no one has left. No one has said anything about walking away. But, it feels like everything is falling apart. It feels like I am losing my place as little brother, riding on the back of the motor bike, peering through the cracks of the worn out helmet passed on from experienced riders, resting my tired head on the strong shoulders of the warrior I trust.

There is a pain glowing inside. A numb that throbs and ticks away. Wounds left from the roots that got pulled out along with these incidental social graces. Words spat out unwittingly, carelessly. Words spun at the speed of sound. Words that created that sonic implosion. I am still finding my strength to pick up the pieces. Still finding my hands and feet. Still aching and trodding on. Still believing despite these sword marks and cuts on the palm on my hands. Still wanting. Still in need. Of love. Of embrace. Of assurance. Of bits and bytes and little things that look my way, makes my day, keeps me away from the blade for just another day.

Is it just my expectations? Or is there something more?

You Know My Evey Moment
You Calm My Raging Seas
You Walk With Me Through Fire
You Heal All My Disease

I Trust In You
I Trust In You

I Believe You're My Healer
I Believe You Are All I Need

I Believe You're My Fortress
I Believe You're More Than Enough For Me
Jesus You're All I Need