falling from the creek

There is a hole in my heart. A gaping wound that never quite recovered from the botch job surgery. What was I signing up for at Easter 2006? My alter ego trying to now take over. Perhaps this is just my way of seperating what is really the issue. How stoic. What am I and why am I like that? Now it seems I am surrounded by these alternative choices seeming to look the greener grass.

Part of me wants to walk away. Believe that there is nothing more. That this removed hope has given me nothing but grief. Given me a wet pillow to rest upon. Created a hole in my heart. How can I deal with this? Me, a recovering cardiac arrest patient? I don't know what to do for i am locked in this tandem of a face that does not budge.

Have mercy. Have mercy on me.

Hear My Cry

God. You who made it all possible. This answered prayer. Comes not without anguish and struggle. Why do you still want to put me through this and have me suffer inside for it? Am I not Your favoured son? Do I not deserve your grace, favor? Why does my eye fix on these things that pass, these seeming things that I am constantly striving for? Brothers too good for me to name. Fathers too noble for me to give of my loyalty. Lovers too awesome for my muddy hands to hold. Am I not your favored son? For why is this always a recurring theme, so they all say, that I am still stuck in this test tube. I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to redeem my ticket and ride out of here, out of this storm, out of these shadows that laugh and challenge my confidence. I am tired of playing it all. I just want to rest, find my head a nook to secure, give my soul a season to breathe, drink deep of these human conditions that will make me whole again. God. Do not forsake me. Do not let my bleeding heart freeze in this cold again. I hate to be like this. All this whining and crying. All this that makes a man less than a whimp to behold. Where is the general? Where is the warrior boy? For all I see is still that little beggar kid selling matches, 20cts a stick. I want to bring him a blanket. I want to bring him a warm body hug. I want to bring him to the fire place and listen to his story. I want to learn to be a father to this lost cause that the world has forgotten about. Do not toy with me. God. Do not lead my heart on with these fellow human beings whom you made in your image to keep us all company. Hear my cry, my father. Hear my last breath for reconciliation. Hear my spirit ache and whimper in pain all through the night. Come rescue me, bind up my wounds with your warriors, fathers, mighty men who are willing to sweep over swiftly, an apprentice for a king, to watch the world from the safe hands and lap of a soft strong voice. Give me the tender mercies of a father. Give me the resolve and warm embrace of a brother. So I can grow out of my test tube days. Incubate me no more with these cold winter blues. Melt away all my troubles. For I want to be whole, whole like it is meant to be.