Expectant

Is it just an expectation? Something I have unwittingly given myself over and chained myself, stuck like a kite on a rain tree? What does this all mean? Why am I still searing in pain? The longing for male companionship and the strength and scent that only a brother could give. The absence makes my heart grow faint. The shoulder removed too quick, too soon, too fast and too brutal. This absence should make me fonder, as it should be, but it is not.

Truth is, no one has left. No one has said anything about walking away. But, it feels like everything is falling apart. It feels like I am losing my place as little brother, riding on the back of the motor bike, peering through the cracks of the worn out helmet passed on from experienced riders, resting my tired head on the strong shoulders of the warrior I trust.

There is a pain glowing inside. A numb that throbs and ticks away. Wounds left from the roots that got pulled out along with these incidental social graces. Words spat out unwittingly, carelessly. Words spun at the speed of sound. Words that created that sonic implosion. I am still finding my strength to pick up the pieces. Still finding my hands and feet. Still aching and trodding on. Still believing despite these sword marks and cuts on the palm on my hands. Still wanting. Still in need. Of love. Of embrace. Of assurance. Of bits and bytes and little things that look my way, makes my day, keeps me away from the blade for just another day.

Is it just my expectations? Or is there something more?

You Know My Evey Moment
You Calm My Raging Seas
You Walk With Me Through Fire
You Heal All My Disease

I Trust In You
I Trust In You

I Believe You're My Healer
I Believe You Are All I Need

I Believe You're My Fortress
I Believe You're More Than Enough For Me
Jesus You're All I Need